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I had a friend who owned a night-club. It was a magnet for women, and he had four different theme nights. The girls seemed to like to come to the club on whatever theme. Often they would be quite drunk, and uninhibited; and he decided to go for a very unusual facility on 'girls' night. For the uninformed, 'girls' night was outright pure lesbian night - no men, absolutely. If you got anywhere near the bouncers would kill you. Or the girls would. This was serious stuff, and they wouldn't have it interfered with.
Except for one premise Dave introduced. 'Men's Heads Trapped in the Girls' Toilets'.
"What? Fuck, Dave, give me a break here.."
He laughed. "I've seen it done. The only way you could get into 'girls' night, in Australia - and The States..was to go for it. Same rules, same shit - different state."
It took a week to customise the toilets. Men's heads could be trapped in them. Their bodies would be unseen, shrouded in plywood cladding, angled off. The girls agreed to it.
"Just use the toilets as normal.." Dave told the girls.
It was probably the first time I'd been in a female toilet. And I mean, in it. I stared upward, my head fastened into the toilet bowl. You don't need much imagination to picture the view. Immediately around me, white porcelain; some water in the trap behind my head. Looking up, the bowl flared outward, slightly larger than an average toilet pan perhaps.
I could see the rim, quite clean, the underside. Didn't usually get that view. The seat, again, one usually looks down from the top. Looked clean too.
I hear voices. Women, at least two. I manage a wry smile - always go into two's, don't they?
Have they just come in to 'freshen up', I wonder..have a chat, fix their hair..
Seems like it first. Typical women - men just get straight on with it; .do whatever and back to the bar.
Finally they decide to 'go'. To the toilet I mean.
I cringe, wondering whether one of them will choose 'my' cubicle. Yes, I hear the door open, then banged shut, and the bolt slipped. We're alone now, just the two of us. She to go, me to cope.
They obviously know all about this arrangement. No comment from her. I like that. It makes me feel like a real toilet. You wouldn't offer any form of greeting to a toilet. Mind you, just for a nano-second, our eyes meet, as she glances into the bowl. She deals with it perfectly, offering no acknowledgement, not a sign of it; as if she hasn't seen me. But a treat for me, as I catch sight of her. Beautiful - done up to the nines for club night; smells divine, perfume, make-up..the usual. A leather mini-skirt; can't see panties yet; stockings or panty hose though. Gorgeous legs; nice tits.
Her heels click around on the floor as she turns. Love that sound.
Down comes the skirt..ohhh. magnificent view. Can't believe she's - at least - gonna piss all over me. Not sure if I can handle a dump, but I'll have to - that's what I'm here for.
Panty-hose and knickers pulled down. Oh what a bloody view, man! Fabulous ass, and I can see the shaved bush/tush. Dammit, suddenly the light's gone dim as she sits. I can see her ass spread though, as my pupils adjust quickly. Oh, this is the business, so thrilling. I'm a human toilet - it's happening.
Senses heightened, I wait, silently. Can't smell anything other than some strong disinfectant pervading the bowl. That could alter, soon.
The washroom's starting to get busy - girls in and out. I hear snippets of conversation; the odd bitchiness; some greetings. Ribaldry, affection - general banter. It adds a terrific frisson, knowing that so many women are going to be using the toilets.
I stare upwards at my 'client'. My pisser, my dumper. Some of the other girls are talking to each other in various cubicles. Mine doesn't do that. That could mean she's concentrating on 'going' - taking a big dump. It panics me slightly.
We'd been strictly warned about what to do. Absolutely no conversational entreaties - we'd get kicked out straightaway. We were toilets, not even toilet attendants. Not one word, one utterance to be spoken by us, even if spoken to.
I can see her anal ring; her anus; and I watch it warily; avidly, cautiously. She shuffles slightly, and suddenly a stream of urine pours forth, startling me somewhat. I'm surprised at its warmth - quite hot almost. Also its volume - still they were here to eat, drink and be..cruel, to their men slaves.
The sprinkling stops, and I'm blinking and lapping still, didn't get it all. Didn't have to. Not obligatory, but you can eat and drink as much as you want to. Sensible rule.
She doesn't dump. I'm partly relieved; partly disappointed. She takes a bit of toilet paper and wipes herself; then discards it. It drops directly on to my face; priming me for more heavily soiled waste paper later tonight. Surely that would happen.
She stands again, towering far above - a magnificent girl, and a fine start for me this evening.
There's a babble of conversation out in the washroom now, and my client is replaced almost immediately by another fine looking young woman. This one's equally pretty, fabulous clothes too - but more vocal.
"Bloody marvellous idea, Yvonne.." I hear her call to the trap next door. "Pissing on guys all night - beauty.."
An Australian lesbian. She gives the briefest of haughty glances into the bowl. Couldn't give a shit, her look tells me. That's what I love about these girls.
She takes a tampon out - throws it down; catches me unawares. Jesus, that shook me. Next a veritable torrent of piss. An almighty fart; and I have the strange sight of a female anus actually open in slow motion, as she is about to dump.
I want to scream. I see the head of a motion appear, slowly at first, then it shoots out quite quickly for a moment, then slows. It's huge, or so it seems.
It seems to 'hang' for a second, then it falls inexorably.
"Fuckin' beauty," she whispers. She sighs. "..two days without a crap. Must be the travellin', and the English tucker. God save the Queen.. Fucking hell.."
I start to eat it.
"Aimee..?" another female shouts from somewhere in the washroom. "..we're gonna drag one of those male twats out, and actually shit on him on stage.." "one of the American girls is going to take a tampon out, live, and put it in his mouth. Make him swallow it.."
Aimee opens the bog door.
"Christ, that stinks rotten Aimee," her friend tells her.
"Sorry babes - nearly gone now. I have to say I never saw a guy eat my shit before. Love to do it every time though. Bloody marvellous."
"If you don't want to eat the stuff, the auto-flush will take over, three minutes later," Dave had told me. Good job, I couldn't get through the amount of stuff that would be produced.
We had a break, ten minutes in every hour. Great, have a smoke, wash my face, talk to the other guys. No alcohol. Didn't need it.
Two hours into this, and I'd heard everything. What an insight into women. A girl dashed in, and vomited copiously into the bowl. I got the lot. Next time a woman tells me not to drink so much, I gotta quote this scenario. This girl's puke was like rocket-fuel; she must have drunk a bloody brewery dry. I didn't eat it; I was driving home for Christmas.
Next up is a girl who does nothing. Sat and masturbated right above me. Astonishing. Not a word spoken. Another girl comes looking for her; hammering on the bog door. A cat-fight..jesus I can't see itů.then some really odd dialogue from them.
By now I've seen every type of underwear, every type of ass and undercarriage. Or so I thought. A girl, comes in in a short skirt. She takes the skirt right off, and she's standing wearing a metal belt. I recognise it from catalogues as a chastity belt. Stainless steel, smooth and shiny. Very bizarre. Maybe she's in a sub/dom relationship with another girl who wants her to be faithful.
She pisses through a tiny slit in the front piece, and wipes herself and the belt. Then she tries to get a finger into herself. No way.
"Goddammit," she curses the metal device.
My God, I think, women are so cruel, even to each other. Vive le sport.
Another girl comes in afterwards, and vomits on me. Christ, what are they giving them to eat in there? Far too much to drink, obviously.
The auto-flush has packed up, and none of the girls flush the toilet manually. I try to keep ahead by eating as much as I can; and luckily the auto-flush starts to work again, taking away the dregs and making a clean sheet again. The flush is terrifying though; submerged in swirling water; all the debris flashing around me.human waste, the lot. I'm in a drain..could drown if doesn't go away.
The suction practically perforates my eardrums as it swooshes away finally. I blink, look up, and there's another woman with no pants on. She takes a swift dump and it lies on my forehead mostly. Can't get at it. How the hell did she put it there?
Another girl comes in and pisses voluminously; washing the former debris into a better position. I eat the whole thing.
We take a break, have a wash; clean our teeth.
Dave gives us a free drink.
"What's it like?"
"Unbelievable," I tell him. "They're so uninhibited - it's just like we're not really there."